Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
You Might Also Like
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Maths meets science
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.