Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’