If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.