You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.