Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
This makes total sense…
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Happy Febuary everyone!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My favorite female superhero
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.