I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Never be a pizza!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.