Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there