Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.