I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
fired
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE