I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Choose your fighter
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em