What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I鈥檓 sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there鈥檚 a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can鈥檛 see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it鈥檇 still be 3 pages long.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
馃槀
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Sign of the day..
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there鈥檚 a zombie apocalypse
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn鈥檛 even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.