I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Lol.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.