Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Why is this me 😫
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday