[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?