This is no longer winter this is harassment
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?