Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?