It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.