On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
at ease…shoulder.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Can Happiness buy money?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem