*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.