Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?