To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…