[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I hate everything
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf