SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
For the ones in the back.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.