Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
mumsnet is amazing
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.