The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
are they though??
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.