“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember