That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
R.I.P.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I need to get some bricks…
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.