Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me