My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off