[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Hero horse inspires millions
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Doggies just call it style.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail