You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here