Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No