My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You Might Also Like
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.