{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
😂 amazing answer
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.