What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
#winning
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up