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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I ate everything, including the H.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Awesome parenting 😂
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!