my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit