Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.