If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?