Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Found the job I’m suited for
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.