We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Still cracks me up
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.