Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Thank you corporation very cool
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.