I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
🖤✌🏽
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?