waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.