Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
BaD BoY!!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]