I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
wow he looks just like him
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello