Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding