Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.