every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I saw this ending much differently.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.