Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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*praying for world peace*
God:
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
yall want some gasoline milk
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Breaking news:
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.